the month of may

The last three or four weeks have been such a blur at work. Too many projects, with too many components, and too little time. This leaves very little space for things like blogging. But amongst the sea of country music artist headshots, and signage, and flyers, and ads, and photoshoots, and stress, I have managed to get a few other things worked into any bit of day I had left. Things like a raku firing in pottery class, a visit to Oxford, mornings cutting herbs, evenings on the deck, Memorial Day with friends, a visit to the vet. Notice the photo of my crazy dog Oskar laying down while waiting for the vet. This is a rare thing for him, who for 11+ years has never stopped moving unless it is time to sleep. Time flies by too fast. This fact becomes more prominent when you look up one day and notice your beloved dog slowing down. It makes you stop and realize nothing is forever. Not even a stressful few weeks at a job.

back on the wheel

I have been back in a pottery class this Spring, although I have switched studios. Closer to my side of town and also a bit larger. And the whole space is focused entirely on pottery, so there is better access to tools and glazes and inspiration everywhere. Although I got back on the wheel in my class last Fall, I never really felt like I had that "ah ha" moment that took me back to the days when I first learned to throw. My teacher at this studio is wonderful and within one evening retaught me everything I had already been taught—and then took it a step further. I am in love with this medium again. I am excited to see each Wednesday what else she will teach me, and feel I am finally ready to truly learn it. There are no other classes in the way, no grades or class credits, and I am creating from a deeper place. I have found that this time around I am less focused on coming out of there with a specific list of objects and more on simply creating. Letting the forms unfold, getting used to the rhythm of the steps. I am happy to throw crooked clay bowls back into the bag and start over again the next week. My favorite moment while on the wheel is when I catch myself taking that deep breathe and everything else in my head moves aside, and my whole world consists of only quiet and focus and creating. I move a little more into myself when this happens and it is balancing. Meditative. Healing. I am able to erase a bit of the chaos from the day in these moments, and I am realizing it is here that I feel as close to my nature than in any other place. I loved it before, but I am starting to get it now.

This is a beautiful video of an artist named Sue Paraskeva. Just watching it makes me breathe a bit deeper.

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Em Eye Crooked Letter

I am headed to Mississippi soon for a good long week, and despite the fact that part of me would like to use vacation time to go sit on a beach or travel across the country, I am equally happy to spend a week there! Besides there is something about that state that causes time to slow down a bit. This used to drive me nuts, but these days sounds just about right. I recently got this print from Old Try. A friend from college posted a picture of hers on Facebook one day, and then I happened upon it again through the Garden & Gun website. Both times my heart swelled a bit when I saw it! I love to see it and remember home. And being a little kid running around in the Delta learning that funny song.

yard makeover

I have been a bit MIA the last few weeks on my blog, but for good reason. I have spent the majority of my free time lately outside—with my hands in the dirt, digging holes, hauling topsoil and mulch, killing grub worms, saving earthworms, getting sunburned. And planting a collection of bushes, herbs and flowers all in the effort to add a little bit more character to my backyard. A place where I spend a lot of time. I have a really great yard, with a lot of space and so many possibilities. But over the years it has almost been easier to just keep it as a playground for the dogs and stick to keeping flowers and plants on the deck. Last fall, with the help from my dad, I dug up and cut down all of the dead bushes that were becoming an eye sore, creating a blank slate. I have spent the winter months researching what I might want to plant and looking through images for inspiration. I decided the best place to start would be to create another little sitting area at the point where the edge of the driveway meets the yard. I made a list of what I wanted it to be—landscaped yet utilitarian, shade for the dogs, organic and loose, use as many found objects as I could, flowering bushes and evergreens, an herb and cutting garden, and a space that could serve as a little more private of a sitting area. Check, check, check! Somehow I did this. Besides input from my dad and my friend Melissa on what to plant, and my friend Brad helping me till up the ground, I managed to do this on my own! And I have the sore muscles to prove it! 

before and after

tilling—turns out there were concrete blocks that proved to be a challenge!

the dogs checking it out; ground after much work to clean out the grass and dig out rocks

building the herb bed

view of herb/cutting garden and bushes; herbs on the right and wildflower seeds planted on the left

backside of bed; bird bath that was a gift from a friend—it is handmade and has a beautiful blue glaze
on the inside and a pressed leaf pattern. Made by a local artist in town

close up of herbs; side view

pathway made of rocks that were bought and the rest of the bed is lined with rocks that
I dug up while prepping the ground; sitting area

herb/cutting bed views; gate to keep out rabbits and more importantly my dogs!

spring cleaning and high school journals

In the theme of "letting go" that I touched on in my blog post last Friday, I had some time over the weekend while in spring cleaning mode to go through old boxes and bins that I have been carrying around for the past 15 years. Books, journals, old projects that take up space, college papers that I will never need again, clothes that really don't make sense anymore. But, the most liberating feeling was to throw out old journal entries from high school, because they were no longer relevant to my life! I am going to keep a few of the pages that matter, that remind me enough of who I was, but the rest is better left sent off and forgotten. I think that maybe we only have so much space in our heads and hearts to house memories, and I have already pushed all of that aside anyway. Felt silly to let it take up room in my house! It also felt great to make the decision to hang on to the happy stuff, and throw out all of the not so happy stuff. And to be really honest, my writing was so embarrassing I felt some things were better left unread! It feels great to have been doing this whole, living life thing, long enough to have a past that is so far away it has little relevance to who I am now! So long young, teenage Emily, you did good! But, it's time to make room for the things you want to really hang on to and for the things that are ahead! I am looking forward to utilizing my friend's new fire pit to officially let it all go.

minature orchids

I mentioned in my post about the Nashville Lawn and Garden show that I picked up a beautiful little orchid from the Orchid Society of Middle TN's booth. It bloomed after I got it home and is a lovely orange star-shaped flower. So then this week I found another beautiful little orchid, except this time, it literally is a little orchid. It is a miniature orchid! I have never seen one of these, and it was too adorable to not buy. I feel myself moving into dangerous territory with my recent finds—there is only so much space in my house to put plants and I envision all of the places I could fill with miniature orchids! I fear that I am becoming the crazy plant lady.

the shift: letting go

"There's a note, I found; Reminding me, not to wait.
That you'd come and look for me, and not to wait.
I can't explain where the love goes,
I can't explain cause I don't know...It finds a way" (The Frames)

Even though this winter has been quite mild, there is a clear shift in the seasons as we move into Spring. Bulbs I buried in the ground last Fall are popping up. Recently I looked up and the grass was full and green. My doors and windows are staying open to let in new air. Blossoms are finally ready to show themselves. All was dormant for a bit, but is starting to wake back up. To come alive again.

Including me.

I finally feel like I am back to the living and past the heaviest of the grief. I have turned this big corner recently. My spirit feels a little lighter, more open. My confidence snuck back in. And against all of my efforts to get back to the person I had been, I have finally let go into the person I am suppose to be moving forward. It hit me one day that I will never be able to go back. That I shouldn't even want to actually. Too much learned and loved and lost to be the same person. It was the letting go of the life I believed I was going to have that I have been clinging to. The last intense phase necessary before really being ready to move forward.

I think most of us start out believing we know what our lives will look like and we move towards it. We take the appropriate steps. Lots of times it seems to work out great, and for the most part resembles what we envisioned. In my case I fell in love with Eric, we married, we lived in a neighborhood that we adored, there were plenty of friends and promise of children, and travel, and following our passions. I was taking those appropriate steps, but my journey took an unexpected turn, and one day I woke up and there was a quiet storm rolling in. And before I knew it, everything I knew to be my life was beginning to crumble. And despite any desperate grasping and pleading to keep things on the path I expected they should be, it became clear that I had no say so. It wasn't about me and there was nothing I could do to make it different. It is impossible to describe how unsettling this feels. There was a quiet, dormant space that my soul went upon this realization, and only recently have I felt it begin to emerge again. While it stayed deep down, safe from all of the upheaval and grief that my emotional side needed to process through, my soul stitched back up into a stronger version of itself. Turns out, from struggles and turmoil can come transformation. When it all crumbles around you, there is the option to decide what to pick back up and piece back together. All of this time was necessary to emerge with a real understanding of love and what connections truly are. To shed so much of what has weighed me down all of these years. To let go of expectations in order to open up possibilities. Insecurity, judgement, and independence are being replaced by confidence, openness, and connection. This transformation has been in no way easy, only necessary.

These last 8 months I have been as disconnected from myself as I have ever been though. I couldn't seem to take one more hit, one more loss, and they kept coming. There was a lot of anger and feeling victim. I had no interest in finding the silver lining or good in anything. I misplaced my confidence, and completely lost the battle with the depression phase of grieving. It was all a result of my last ditch effort to fight and kick my way back to what had existed before. But that life that I so desired to still have was literally no longer an option anymore. Because it involved Eric. That option was off of the table that Monday evening on June 14th. That is a difficult thing to want to let go of, especially when it all happened so quickly. But one day I gave in to that being okay. I let the idea of that life go because it was time to, and when I did, the beautiful reality of what it actually is came flooding in. It exists in a very different realm for me now, and in some strange way it is much more connected then when he was on earth. When I finally let it go and asked God to just do whatever he had planned, and I would be open for it, things immediately shifted. Immediately. All of the road maps are being made available and each step is clear, so it's as simple as following them, staying open to them, and having faith. Maybe one day I will have some form of that life I envisioned, but I am less concerned with the details. I have begun to embrace that the final destination each day is to find our way to that place where our purpose meets our maker. And all of the rest is what makes your journey your own.